The Bully Jake

In which the Bully Jake gets his just desserts

If there was one thing in the world that Little Miss Have A Chat thought was better than having a chat, it was eating. And if there was one thing in the world that Little Miss I Can Do That thought was better than doing things, it was eating. So in this respect, Little Miss I Can Do That and Little Miss Have A Chat had a lot in common, even though one was only four and the other was just two.

The favourite thing that Little Miss I Can Do That and Little Miss Have A Chat liked to eat was Chocolate Surprise. Which was a pity, because they only had ever made it once before their mummy forbade them from ever making it again. The recipe was a follows:

• Take one Little Miss Have A Chat and one Little Miss I Can Do That. Dress in best clothes. Wait till mummy is hanging out washing and proceed to kitchen. Crumble one large block of dairy milk chocolate into bowl, being careful to also drop crumbs of chocolate into toaster for use later.
• Break six eggs into bowl and surrounding floor. Evenly spread a layer of flour over kitchen bench, and add two small pinches to mixture in bowl. Add one half cup full of cream, being careful to apply other half over kitchen cupboard. Mix thoroughly using a variety of spoons, fingers and toes. Add a liberal quantity of honey to kitchen, being sure to add at least a cupful to mixture. Add sugar, water and chocolate drink mix.
• Place bowl in microwave and set on high for six minutes.

The first and only time Little Miss Have A Chat and Little Miss I Can Do That made chocolate surprise, it was the most delicious, tastiest meal, apart from melted cheese surprise, they had ever tasted. But it took all Little Miss Have A Chat's powers of persuasive conversation, and Little Miss I Can Do That's extraordinary ability to look sorry for what she had done, whatever it was, to calm down their screaming, hysterical mummy when she walked in to the kitchen just as they were licking the remaining bits of chocolate surprise out of the bowl.

But this story is not about Chocolate Surprise. It is about The Bully Jake, a little boy who played with toy guns, toy knives and a toy stock-whip and who lived next door.

The Bully Jake, even though he was terribly three, wasn't good at talking. In fact the only words he usually said were "Aaaargh," just before he shot someone with his toy gun or "Batman!" just before he hit someone with his toy sword. The Bully Jake was at his happiest if he could make other children cry. He was fat and smelly and hated girls. Especially Little Miss I Can Do That and Little Miss Have A Chat.

One day Little Miss Have A Chat and Little Miss I Can Do That were sitting in their backyard, sighing.

"That Chocolate Surprise was such a nice dish. I just can't understand why mummy got so upset," Little Miss Have A Chat was saying.

"Mess," said little Miss I Can Do That sagely.

"Well, yes, I suppose so, but it was a creative mess. What are we going to do now? That was our favourite game," said Little Miss have A Chat.

"Pretend," said Little Miss I Can Do That.

"What an excellent idea," said Little Miss Have A Chat. "We'll pretend by making pretend Chocolate Surprise. Yummy Yum."

And that is exactly what the little girls did. Their mummy even agreed to give them some flour and water and two wooden spoons and plastic bowl, on condition she could run the hose over them before they came back inside.

To the flour and water, Little Miss I Can Do That added a honey sandwich she had found under her bed, some dark chocolaty looking dirt from near the compost heap, a sneeze (which was added accidentally), some odds and ends from the garden, including a few that were moving, some coffee they found in a cup behind mummy's favourite couch, some rock salt, more water from the laundry soak tub and some clay from the pottery shed.

Of course, while they were making their pretend Chocolate Surprise, they were pretending that all these yucky things were the yummy things needed to make real chocolate surprise.

"Pass the delicious chocolate," Little Miss Have A Chat would say, and Little Miss I Can Do That would carefully pass a dollop of muddy compost.

"And now, lots of sugar," Little Miss Have A Chat would say as Little Miss I Can Do That would hand over some salt.

Now if there was one thing that the Bully Jake like better than hitting people, it was gobbling up lots of yummy food as fast as he could so that no-one else could have any. And when he heard through the fence Little Miss Have A Chat and Little Miss I Can Do That earnestly discussing making Chocolate Surprise, it made his tummy rumble. He didn't realise that they were making pretend Chocolate Surprise. So it was no surprise really, when just as Little Miss I Can Do That and Little Miss Have A Chat were stirring the last of the ingredients into their pretend Chocolate Surprise, the Bully Jake came running into the yard brandishing his Nam Tommy Gun, his Vodor sword and his Superhero cape.

"Gimme," snarled the Bully Jake.

"I don't think so," said Little Miss Have A Chat patiently.

"In the first place, you haven't said please. In the second place I very much doubt that even your constitution, stout though it is, could withstand the onslaught of this culinary creation."

"Gimme. I want," screamed the Bully Jake and pushed Little Miss Have A Chat over so hard she skinned her knee.

Little Miss I Can Do That tried to grab the pretend Chocolate Surprise before the Bully Jake got it. But he pushed her over too, and then gobbled up the pretend Chocolate Surprise so fast that it was only after he had finished eating that he realised it wasn't real Chocolate Surprise at all. The Bully Jake's eyes grew wide.

"Oh dear," said Little Miss Have A Chat, who was genuinely concerned, even though the Bully Jake had hurt her knee.

Little Miss I Can Do That was more direct. "Sick," she said, because that is exactly how the Bully Jake was looking.

"Not chocolate?" said the Bully Jake.

"Not chocolate. Compost, salt and snails, mostly," said Little Miss Have A Chat.

The Bully Jake's bottom lip began to tremble.

"I want my mummy," he bawled.

"I think that's a splendid idea. A bit more parental guidance wouldn't go astray on you, Jake," said Little Miss Have A Chat.

The Bully Jake, clutching his tummy, ran from the yard. Little Miss I Can Do That and Little Miss Have A Chat listened carefully. Soon they could hear horrible burping sounds coming from next door, and Jake's mummy yelling, "Oh you naughty boy. What disgusting things have you been eating?"

Little Miss I Can Do That helped Little Miss Have A Chat inside so they could put a Bandaid on Little Miss Have A Chat's knee.

"What happened to your knee," said mummy with a worried voice.

"It's alright. It's just the Bully Jake," said Little Miss Have A Chat.

"Naughty Jake," said Little Miss I Can Do That. "I'll say he's naughty. I'll go over right now and talk to his mother," said mummy.

"I don't think so," said Little Miss Have A Chat. "It's not really necessary. I don't think he'll bully us again."

And she was right, because he never did.