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Before leaving Soerabaija it was necessary to find someone who could take care of my affairs. I knew Coup from when I first arrived in Soerabaija as discreet and somebody who’s been always been relatively friendly to me. He was the first to offer help when I found myself in my awkward situation. So I did not hesitate to give him the authorization to open all my letters, and act according to the content on my behalf.

Through him I received your letters of 18 August, 16 and 23 September together on the 10th January. The following confession will be the first I've ever made to you. When I received the letters I was very depressed and didn’t dare read them or those of Gonne, Cato and Willem. Now at receiving the second mail for this year I felt in better condition, so I dared to open my box and read one by one the letters.

I deserve your disapproval Jan! I deserve more than that. I won't try to make excuses about the past. I've already paid a big price  – judge yourself. From my letter of the 1st October, you probably know I was able with the help of some friends to leave for Melbourne. I wanted to go to San Francisco. I thought this was the best since I speak and write fluent French and was not so good at English.

Others had other ideas and I had to follow their opinion since it was their money which I was using to leave Java. On the 7th November I arrived here with 20 in my pocket. I reported directly to the consul, who didn’t like to help me because he doesn't like making an effort for someone who presents himself without letters. I didn’t have any letter and was rudely treated by him. He told me I was better off going back to the Indies, because in Melbourne  I would go hungry. Returning to Java was the worst idea.

I’ll give you a short account in what I’ve done since then to get a job. I started by placing an advertisement in the newspapers with a request for a job as correspondent or accountant. This cost me a lot of money and had no effect. I’ve applied for any possible vacancy, including at hotel where they wanted an accountant who was willing to do some general duties as well, like waitering. I wasn't ashamed and went there in the morning, but was told I looked to decent to take such a job. What little I had was dwindling fast because I had to buy clothes since my Indian cloths were too light and almost at an end. At first I was living in a third class boarding house for 17 a week. As a precaution I left there to get a simply furnished bedroom and was even willing to spare on my food. I found such a room for 4.20 a week and two meals a day for a shilling a meal, so this spared me. The hope of getting an appointment kept me going. At last I had nothing left, so one by one I sold my books and the few possessions I had and looked like a beggar. 

Sir Daling, a compatriot, was willing to accept a bill of exchange of £10 from Daddy. God knows I was hungry. Hungry is something you’ll never experience. And if I received the letters from home and you a bit earlier I certainly never would have settled with Dad as I now know he’s without a job. With the money I struggled further with the hope to get a job somehow. Believe it or not, Jan, I registered myself at a beggar’s office and  borrowed five shillings from the consul to try to become a waiter at a coffee house. I've never been a craftsman. If I was strong enough I would not be ashamed to work on the road cutting stones like many decent men here do when they cannot get other work.

Then they told me they didn’t like to rent the room to me because I could not pay in advance. At that time I was living on biscuits and cheese. I could get biscuits and cheese because here in the coffee houses, like in all the big cities, you can read the newspapers without buying something and there is always a plate ready with biscuits and cheese. Despite my poverty, the cut of my cloth caught the attention of a sharp-eyed Frenchman. I always sat near him to read the newspapers because he was always very polite although I ate nothing. He gently suggested I could eat at his place so long I was in this difficult situation.

In the meantime I managed to get a firm called Young & Martin to give me a free passage to Bombay. I seemed to have won their respect as I kept at them saying they could use me for any kind of job, never mind the size. The payment for the passage would be doing some administration for the captain, and to do as much as I could on board. 

I began to lose my fear of the future because I had in the meantime received some funds of my friend Coup, a part of which was what you sent. I  was able to get some decent gear - I'd heard many good things about Bombay. Imagine my disappointment when I arrived on board and they wanted to place me in the Java sailors quarters and expected of me to do the same work as a sailor. I tried to do what they wanted, namely stowing the hay (the ship had horses on board) but it was too heavy for me and also a bit too much to be asked of someone as decent as me. The Frenchman offered me, some time after I received the F 420 off you so I could show myself in decent clothes, to classify his books for 18 a week. I refused it politely because I expected much of my Bombay plans. He had advised me to leave Melbourne as soon as possible because I would never get a living there. I left the ship in a hurry and went to accept the Frenchman's offer.

Now I work from eight o’clock in the morning until seven at night in a little room on the books that are terribly disordered. My present budget is 4.20 a week wages. You see it's too much to die from, and little to live by, but in God’s name I’m better off than a month ago when I was hungry. I can eat twice a day, that’s the only thing that’s cheap here. Clothes are very expensive. In the meantime I do my best to get a better life.

I don't think this will ever be the golden land it is for others. In the past I used to think about going into the mines, but they discouraged me, saying it was only for big strong men. I would love to go to San Francisco or North America. It would be a strange feeling, but I'm good at languages. Nowadays I speak good English. I cannot come back here. Nonetheless I'm not the only Dutchman who’s doing it tough. A month a young man arrived with plenty of resources, who was also looking for employment without success, even though he had the protection and recommendation letters. He's going back to Liverpool with the Royal Hender tomorrow, also accompanied by another Dutchman who was a servant in the Dutchhouse - business was bad and they had to let him go. He managed to get some money but choose to leave for Holland before he ended up in the same situation again.

I’ll try to put things right before they see me back in Holland. I’m not desperate but the chances don’t look good for me, I have had more than enough of Melbourne. You cannot imagine the moral sadness I've suffered. You don’t know how often I've stood in front of a shop as a beggar, to satisfy my eyes at least with all the food on show. I thiunk of all the mistakes I've made. And the good times as well. You see it’s doubly sad when you have had such a good time and then end up in such a position. 

It’s my own fault, I won’t have to tell you. But I’ll tell you in confidence an account of my stay in Java and the reason that caused my financial ruin.  You have a right to the truth. The reason I wrote you so few times was because I didn’t like to lie, Had I written to you I was happy I would have lied. I didn’t want to tell you stories but equally I didn't want to tell you the whole truth about my position. I felt bad when I wrote home to you asking for your support. I did this on an impulse because I can assure you I never had anything to do with bailiffs previously, only reprimand letters, but I always got off lightly. After I sent my letter I calmed down and thought it over, and understood how it must have come as an unpleasant surprise.

It’s just on a year ago my housekeeper hit the glass full of laudanum out of my hand, with which I should have ended it all. It’s not the first time you've read the word housekeeper in my letters. She was the cause of it all, or rather my attachment to her was the cause.

When I had just arrived on Java I had a good salary and if I had had a good friend then, who gave me good advice, I would surely have taken it. The system on Java is unfortunately very tempting if you want something. You just write a receipt for the shop owner for wine, supply, cigars or others. Jan! I was never good with money, I was no different when I had 300 for the leaders function. Just after I arrived on Java I decided I wanted to live with soemone, someone who also didn’t care about money. 

Around then I got acquainted with the girl I later engaged. Later I ended up in a boarding house but my spending didn’t became less, especially since I played at night. Never big money or big risks dangerous but I seemed to be always unlucky with card games like quadrille or omber. 

You know I'd been in hospital for a short time due to a sickness of those parts. The doctor advised me, because of my heavy body and the Indian heat, and the need for that which makes relationships with women necessary, to get a permanent house keeper of the sort that would solve this. I wrote about this before and you let me know didn’t like it.

In July 1863 I contacted my boss with the request to give me 1400 to pay off my debts. Had he given it to me, I’m sure a new life would have started for me, because by then I knew how unpleasant it is to be in debt. I suggested paying it off with monthly repayments, but they refused it. To help me my boss suggested to go and live with him. At first I was seriously planning to refuse the offer since I knew his character and I was sure it wouldn’t work. 

A couple of friends insisted I do it since refusing would mean my job and prospects would be totally ruined, so I accepted. I tried to send my house keeper away and kept myself good for eight days. We were totally separated but by coincidence I met her again and since then it was my fate to be attached with heart and soul to her. Although she cost me with everything about 100 a month, I depended totally on her.

From this moment on life took another turn. The girl I always had sincerely loved went living out of town. I always made good choices in friends to go out with. I  can tell you I was among the eligible men considered as very good, handsome, descent and close. I was known to be never ever drunk at a party, and I never quarrelled and I never boasted or was arrogant. I could have been the last mentioned because at the time I still had a good relationship with my boss and knew all the company business. I was the office oracle. In one word I was cherished. I was given some beautiful chambers totally free from the main building and from then on my house keeper could again visit me at night again.

I didn’t go out at that time, didn’t go to the club and locked myself up at 8 o’clock in the evening in my room to read, talk with Mina, and go to bed early. The two years of July 1863 – 1865 were the same routine. Mina cost me loads of money. I was to weak to refuse her requests, She knew I loved her and she knew I would never let her go.  I don’t have any illusions, but I knew she was also attached to me. This was evident when she knew I had financial problems and came to me with f 200, She had sold her gold and other things to help me. 

This sort of self-sacrifice is quite unusual for a girl from Java, you seldom see it among people of her class. 

Relations with my boss then went downhill. Kesting noticed I still had the same financial problems, and knew if I didn't pick myself up I would be lost. A couple of times I mentioned it to my girl who later told me to either let her family know or let her go. I believe Sophie O. did love me. In August 1865 she was in town and let me know in words and letters our position wasn’t intolerable since we were in public when she was in town, and always together at concerts and such without being publicly engaged. She made me tell her mother. I came up with a plan to ask Willem, Gonne and also you for F 5000,- and with that pay my current debts and to make the most urgent payments. The rest I would use in my household and so improve or at least consolidfate my position at the firm “van Leeuwen.”  

 When I ask for the hand of my girl, I said I sincerely hoped to get the funds to start a household from my family. In September we were engaged, or rather, her mother permitted us to correspond. She had a very good upbringing and was very passionate due to her southern blood. In November our engagement was public and I told my boss myself. In the meantime I forgot to write to Willem, Gonne and you in September, to see if you could help out. I then became convcerned that if I wrote, I would be refused by you people, and then all my plans would hit the ground. I then postponed writing from mail to mail until I could not postpone it anymore (21 December) My girl, with whom I was corresponding daily, became very impatient. She thought I has written to you all in September and didn’t understand why there wasn’t an answer. I had to give her all sorts of excuses 

From 25 January 1865 I had eight days holiday and I visited her at her lodgings and stayed in a friend's house nearby. Since conversation with ladies in the East Indies is very open, she told me she knew I had a housekeeper. She didn’t mind it so much since it was customary but expected me to send my housekeeper away when I returned home. Of course I promised to but on the morning I was leaving, her mother said she wanted to speak me and said she had heard some rumours about my financial situation. She said she would investigate it and if it was true, the whole engagement was off. Previously I had given Sophie the impression I didn’t have any debts. Well in a word, all hell broke loose. I could not show her an answer on my letter from Rotterdam as it hadn't arrived yet. One month too late, I received a reply in which Gonne and Willem promised to help me. 

Back in Soerabaija I told my girl a brief overview of the situation, and of why I wrote in December instead of September, and that I was truly convinced they would not let me down etc etc. Sophie was always passionate and would seize any opportunity for herself, or rather for her family. She rejected me suddenly. She sent my letters and portrait back. I knew her character and knew nothing could change her mind. Considering what had gone on, it will look strange. I had focused so much on her that I had thought of the disappointment and distress of rejection. Everything happened at the same time. My housekeeper made a scene about money while I was sick in Kesting's room. I had not a penny and had not eaten for four days because of stress. 

It was then that I decided to put a glass of laudanum to my lips, to end my misery. I'd gotten hold of some laudanum when a doctor had prescribed some for a severe toothache I had. I'd kept the bottle with the idea it would be useful if I were to end up in a situation like this. Luckily or unluckily, Mina knew it was poison and snatched it out of my hands, smashing it into a thousand pieces. Later after an argument with Kesting I agreed I would go and live by myself, or rather I told him I would leave the house because of the way he had insulted me.  

I then lived for two months in the city in a sub let house where I was constantly sick due to the humidity. I then left there, rented a small house which I furnished and had my own household. Mainly due to Mina, I didn’t get any better. The doctor thought I had a liver disease and send me to the mountains. During my stay there the catastrophe happened, and I got the sack.  My life from then on you know, how everybody claimed a bit of me. How I suffered. At last people like Mr Carp gave some help, but only on condition that Mina would leave. It cost me a couple of scenes with her,  and a couple of times she tried to get me back with force and threats etc etc. But I kept myself good and now cannot look back. My friends only wanted to help after I'd left her. The rest you know: how I arrived in Melbourne and the hunger and poverty I suffered.

I cannot write about business dear Jan since the correct messages from Java are missing. I know there is Fl 420,- and Fl 1000,- sent and there is F1000,- available. About the last F1000 won’t be made available. I find this attitude of my friend Carp very wise. I hope to hear soon from Java how things are going and who I can thank for the payments. I know Jan you’ve send money letters but I don’t know the amount. As soon as I know all the facts, I‘ll write you an IOU and I require myself to pay you 15 per cent of my income every half year or every 3 months no matter how small it is. 
      

That money made it possible for me to buy the clothes and books that eventually I had to sell again. I’ll write more details later. Let me now end with thanking you from the bottom of my heart for your noble help. From now on you can count on a monthly correspondence with Australia. Now dear Jan I shake your hand in my thoughts. Please forget the past but keep my friendship. I hope you’ll be soon healthy again. Believe in me.

Your thankful and repentant friend,  
Gerard Derkenne

Newcastle NSW June 7, 1872

Dear Jan,

 For a long time I've been wanting to write to you. You'll say a long time indeed - six years. Please forget my oversight. You don’t know I was constantly corresponding with you in my thoughts and how lively my remembrance of past events is.

From time to time Gonne kept me informed about you.  I was sorry to read you are still suffering and have poor health. I hope you are better now and enjoying life. 

You aren’t married, so I can talk about the bitterness and sweetness of marriage. You probably know I already have three children The first, a boy named Gerard Edward, the second a girl Cathina Gijsberta and the third a boy Walter Gerard. I fought with my wife uselessly to name the third boy Johannes Jacobus, but could not push it through since the name sounds very bad in English. And it would've been shortened to John. Even if we do get another boy I won’t get it through. 

My eldest son Eddie is a loveable little guy only he is somewhat spoiled. The little girl is thin but loveable and the two fight each other to get a chance to caress their little brother. I am now very homey and since I’ve been married I’ve been out only a couple of times. I don’t get any days off  due to the kind of work I do.

From January the 1st until December the 31st, Sunday or not, it’s my job to be constantly worrying if a ship is going to arrive or not. I have to get on board and do my best to persuade them to use my office. I need to keep my job to stay alive. And because our children have to live off my wages I  have to do my best to satisfy my bosses, which unfortunately is very hard. 

Luckily enough I’m very successful with French ships. Several captains told me I would be better off working for myself, but how can you start if you don’t have any money? Although ship chandler is not a job you need money for, it’s certainly always needed, a certain amount to fall back on in case of an emergency and for trade shortfalls which will be paid when the bills of the ships are paid.

I have thought more than once to contact you. But you must hate anyone who has any trust in me. But could you take the risk to lend me another 150 pounds, to give me a chance to go forward in this world. Jan, don’t think of your friend Gerard as he was in the East Indies but think of a poor bastard who lost a fortune a couple of times and paid for it a lot. If you knew Jan what I have to fix and bear.

My best hope now is to do my best to keep my job, and give my wife and children a roof above their head. It disappoints me none of my children are baptized. The reason for this is because we don’t have proper Sunday clothes. I have a suit for daily use but not for Sundays. This sort of thing is very expensive here as are house rentals and servants. It is next ti impossible to save something from my small salary. My wife is very frugal and luckily not yearning for beautiful clothes. Like me, she is happy when we make up the balance on a Saturday. At least, we're not going backwards. But it makes your head heavy when you know that costs will increase but your income will not.

I have 180 pounds a year, which looks like good salary but isn’t. A day worker earns 10 shilling a day and a ship carpenter 14. I’m six years at the office right now. But I won’t have a chance on a raise, since the amount they pay for a clerk is the maximum. Off course at a bank it’s better, but there they don’t want strangers. My boss knows I can’t do without them so he takes uses this to his advantage. Now I’m complaining again, like a second Mietje Spit.

Dear Jan, without making it hard for yourself, could you give me one more chance to get forward in this World and assist me with 150 pounds  = 1800 Dutch guilders.

Some time ago they wrote me about my inheritance and where they held back my part to pay of my debts. I hope you got your money back at that time. As they say, any donation gratefully received. If the 150 pounds is to much, could 25 pounds be used for the children to buy cloths to go to church and be baptized? My son Eddie says his payers every night before he goes to bed. Then he also says God bless papa, mamma and all kind friends etc.

I don’t know your address and how to send this letter, and how you've been in the six years since I've been in Australia. You surely have travelled through the whole of Europe. I've often wondered if you would are married and hope to hear from you soon and under any circumstances,

Your devoted friend
Gerard Derkenne

Address
Charles Hokerse
Newcastle New South Wales
Australia

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